It would be nothing short of a daring adventure to start off with a title like this which in itself could be understood to be an oxymoron or an impossibility or at least something very weird. Love or relationships, more specifically are tainted all the time with being in suffering or going through hardships, among many other things.While the word sustainability, in terms of natural resources, means avoidance of depletion of natural resources in order to maintain ecological balance. Converting it into relationship terms, could be seen as avoidance of depletion of our resources (mental (more importantly) as well as physical) in order to maintain our inner peace. So how could something as unsustainable as love become sustainable. At the outset, I would like to highlight that it requires some effort and it might not come naturally. So read on only if you are willing to go that extra mile to reach a better destination.
A good starting point would be to look why love is slightly tainted with challenges. The answer is in the basic differences of idiosyncrasies of two human beings. As they say that its better to be with someone who compliments you rather than supplementing you, it does come with a certain cost. Now you may ask me why this "basic differences of idiosyncrasies of two human beings" is not so evident in any other relationship. The answer, quite obviously lies in the fact that this relationship is deeper and stronger than any other we had previously held and adding to the fact :this is something that doesn't come to us from our childhood (unlike the relation with our parents or siblings). And as you know, all the changes which aren't part of our childhood or our adolescence are hard to accept. Now what do I mean by basic differences. It can be one of these following things among many others: nature of individual- being individualistic or collectivist, being introvert or extrovert, being feminine or masculine and also more importantly the order of priority you give to your respective partner. So naturally being with someone who is poles apart from you might appear counter intuitive, but on contrary, that's what gives you bliss (bliss is a state of being more satisfied than being happy), provided you are mature enough to be more open minded.
As a philosopher (amateur), lover (budding) and a man of common sense (a little, maybe), let me offer you my pieces of advise.
1. Recognize and accept the differences - Like we agreed in the previous section, there are always some differences between any two persons and hence they might not act like you even though they face same situations/constraints like you do. Remember that's what makes us humans different from machines (that's why research in social sciences can never be deterministic, but that discussion is for some other time). We first need to spend sufficient time in recognizing the differences of our partners with us. This could be done by evaluating the way they were brought up, their living conditions (present and past), the environment they live in, their nature of job and very importantly, their nature as a human being (as pointed above). Once this is done, acceptance comes naturally and you begin appreciating what the other one is going through and you stop being pain in the ass and become their super power (or superman). Luckily, in trying to achieve this state of being, one also becomes a better human beings (so do not forget to thank your partner for making you a better person)
2. Do not put yourself into their shoes- We all have a natural tendency of imagining the actions of others in line with our expectations. This will only push you into deeper sorrow. Rather give them their space and let them express themselves in the way they feel best, if not, remember, you end up loosing in that person, those traits which made you fall for them in first place. Be like a sponge to absorb the other rather than being a paint brush, where you end up enforcing your ideals onto them.
3. Be generous- Generosity holds the key. Many times, the other one might be going through a rough day due to some stuff at work or due to many other innumerable things. You will be a doing a great job if you become their punchbag and let them vent out whatever/whenever they want. Remember, relations are like a ship in the seas. Only one of them can be turbulent at same time, either the ship or the seas. We all know what happens when both become turbulent at the same time, it will lead to ship wreckage. So when ship is going berserk, the seas need to calm down and vice versa.
4. Love them like you love kids- Imagine you take effort in making breakfast for a kid, but he throws the food all over. What would be your reaction? Would you shout at the kid or try to comfort that kid into eating food. Obviously, the latter (unless you are from outer space). Try the same with your partner. You will get it back when you require it the most. And for brownie points, you will be loved even more.
5. Stop being a kid- Maybe that's the reason, relationships in early teenage are frowned upon. By asking one to stop being a kid, I literally meant it. We need to stop caring for attention, stop expecting that someone will always come and wipe our tears, stop being demanding, stop expecting others to solve our problems etc. This doesn't mean one shouldn't share his/her troubles. But expecting to be treated like a baby is not reasonable.
6. Love unconditionally- Do not set any benchmarks, any conditions or any boundaries. Give it your fullest. You will either get the best person or best lesson (or both).
7. Stop comparing - Comparison holds the key to many problems. There are few who talk 3-4 times in a day while few others who talk once in 3-4 days. These lame comparisons cannot in anyway act as benchmark and hence should be immediately done away with.
8. Do not be afraid to change and apologize. - Remember : change/improvement is good. The one who changes/improves the most benefits the most out of a relationship. And a lot maturity comes in when one goes through this psychological evolution. So, do not hold on to any thing, by saying, this is me and I wont change for someone else. Are we today the same person, the time we were born. NO. So why hold on to something if changing yourself as a better human being helps.
9. Do not be a perfectionist- This is more important for the perfectionists (also read as "persons with OCD") in daily life. Never ever apply perfectionism in your relationships. Because true beauty, undoubtedly lies in imperfections (little or big) we have in all of us. Also, what is perfect for one might not be perfect for another. So think of it in that way too.
With these points, among few others, one can reach the ideal state of "Sustainable love" (I believe) and the benefits are:
You have lot more peace of mind
You love your partner even more
You will be also loved even more
You will be more productive in your work
You will not just survive, but thrive.
P.S: Points 3 & 4 in the above blog are taken from "School of life"- Youtube Channel.
A good starting point would be to look why love is slightly tainted with challenges. The answer is in the basic differences of idiosyncrasies of two human beings. As they say that its better to be with someone who compliments you rather than supplementing you, it does come with a certain cost. Now you may ask me why this "basic differences of idiosyncrasies of two human beings" is not so evident in any other relationship. The answer, quite obviously lies in the fact that this relationship is deeper and stronger than any other we had previously held and adding to the fact :this is something that doesn't come to us from our childhood (unlike the relation with our parents or siblings). And as you know, all the changes which aren't part of our childhood or our adolescence are hard to accept. Now what do I mean by basic differences. It can be one of these following things among many others: nature of individual- being individualistic or collectivist, being introvert or extrovert, being feminine or masculine and also more importantly the order of priority you give to your respective partner. So naturally being with someone who is poles apart from you might appear counter intuitive, but on contrary, that's what gives you bliss (bliss is a state of being more satisfied than being happy), provided you are mature enough to be more open minded.
As a philosopher (amateur), lover (budding) and a man of common sense (a little, maybe), let me offer you my pieces of advise.
1. Recognize and accept the differences - Like we agreed in the previous section, there are always some differences between any two persons and hence they might not act like you even though they face same situations/constraints like you do. Remember that's what makes us humans different from machines (that's why research in social sciences can never be deterministic, but that discussion is for some other time). We first need to spend sufficient time in recognizing the differences of our partners with us. This could be done by evaluating the way they were brought up, their living conditions (present and past), the environment they live in, their nature of job and very importantly, their nature as a human being (as pointed above). Once this is done, acceptance comes naturally and you begin appreciating what the other one is going through and you stop being pain in the ass and become their super power (or superman). Luckily, in trying to achieve this state of being, one also becomes a better human beings (so do not forget to thank your partner for making you a better person)
2. Do not put yourself into their shoes- We all have a natural tendency of imagining the actions of others in line with our expectations. This will only push you into deeper sorrow. Rather give them their space and let them express themselves in the way they feel best, if not, remember, you end up loosing in that person, those traits which made you fall for them in first place. Be like a sponge to absorb the other rather than being a paint brush, where you end up enforcing your ideals onto them.
3. Be generous- Generosity holds the key. Many times, the other one might be going through a rough day due to some stuff at work or due to many other innumerable things. You will be a doing a great job if you become their punchbag and let them vent out whatever/whenever they want. Remember, relations are like a ship in the seas. Only one of them can be turbulent at same time, either the ship or the seas. We all know what happens when both become turbulent at the same time, it will lead to ship wreckage. So when ship is going berserk, the seas need to calm down and vice versa.
4. Love them like you love kids- Imagine you take effort in making breakfast for a kid, but he throws the food all over. What would be your reaction? Would you shout at the kid or try to comfort that kid into eating food. Obviously, the latter (unless you are from outer space). Try the same with your partner. You will get it back when you require it the most. And for brownie points, you will be loved even more.
5. Stop being a kid- Maybe that's the reason, relationships in early teenage are frowned upon. By asking one to stop being a kid, I literally meant it. We need to stop caring for attention, stop expecting that someone will always come and wipe our tears, stop being demanding, stop expecting others to solve our problems etc. This doesn't mean one shouldn't share his/her troubles. But expecting to be treated like a baby is not reasonable.
6. Love unconditionally- Do not set any benchmarks, any conditions or any boundaries. Give it your fullest. You will either get the best person or best lesson (or both).
7. Stop comparing - Comparison holds the key to many problems. There are few who talk 3-4 times in a day while few others who talk once in 3-4 days. These lame comparisons cannot in anyway act as benchmark and hence should be immediately done away with.
8. Do not be afraid to change and apologize. - Remember : change/improvement is good. The one who changes/improves the most benefits the most out of a relationship. And a lot maturity comes in when one goes through this psychological evolution. So, do not hold on to any thing, by saying, this is me and I wont change for someone else. Are we today the same person, the time we were born. NO. So why hold on to something if changing yourself as a better human being helps.
9. Do not be a perfectionist- This is more important for the perfectionists (also read as "persons with OCD") in daily life. Never ever apply perfectionism in your relationships. Because true beauty, undoubtedly lies in imperfections (little or big) we have in all of us. Also, what is perfect for one might not be perfect for another. So think of it in that way too.
With these points, among few others, one can reach the ideal state of "Sustainable love" (I believe) and the benefits are:
You have lot more peace of mind
You love your partner even more
You will be also loved even more
You will be more productive in your work
You will not just survive, but thrive.
P.S: Points 3 & 4 in the above blog are taken from "School of life"- Youtube Channel.
